the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
