She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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