We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
They have beer where we have blood.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
