dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
