Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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