Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
