you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
