How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
