Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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