i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
