My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
