Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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