really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
