The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We got so high we made milksteak
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize