You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize