she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
