anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
