You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
