i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
