smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
