We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
