apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
