3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize