Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize