I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
