Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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