Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Randomize
