Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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