I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I need moral support for this bender
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize