I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
50% drunk capacity currently
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
