I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
