:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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