her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
