Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
