a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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