I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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