I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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