awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
