Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Found the puke drawer
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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