I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
