Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize