so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
