I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
