You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
