One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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