you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
