from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
