i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
