I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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