Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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