my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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